Juuuuuust kidding. But really, folks, the House GOP is such a piping hot mess at this point that can't you see a story lede reading something like the following....?:
Former House Speaker Dennis Hastert reached a plea agreement with federal prosecutors, marking the possible end to a case in which he was accused of dodging U.S. banking laws and lying to federal agents about hush money payoffs, and opening up his availability for, and enhancing his viability as, an "outsider" candidate to, in his case, return to his former job as bearer of the Big Gavel.
Unnamed Republican establishment figures were overjoyed. "If we can't get Newt to come back, we'd love to have Denny return for another Speaker tour. Just as long as he leaves his van at home."
The House Freedom Caucus could not be reached for comment due to their rumored attempts to keep their heads from exploding the like the victims in Scanners.
And the gallows-funny part? They could do a lot worse than Denny Hastert.