Some said it was the strangest speech Hillary Clinton ever gave, others said she had to be drunk and a rumor spread like wild fire saying that a political enemy somehow managed to shoot her up with sodium pentothal so she wouldn't be so careful with her words. However, all agree that she just wasn't herself tonight on the stage at the Natchawatchee Band of Casino Indians Freeway Casino – “Where you're not a loser”.
Oddly absent were the specially made-for-the-occasion stage props seen on other venues. No giant dream catcher back drop, no mural of Sacajawea, no bison skulls with feathers, no Kachina dolls. Nor was she wearing a beaded, deerskin Pocahontas pantsuit with fringes complete with headband and a feather along with knee high Apache style moccasins. There was only the “This is going to the White House” talking pudendum prop – with a beaver pelt strategically placed on top - and a podium.
She didn't even have her solar powered microphone to promote green energy.
Conspicuously absent was the customary bonding story about being half Cherokee and growing up in Indian Territory with the pain of The Trail of Tears searing her indigenous soul. There was no throwing bags of pemmican into the audience.
Clinton began with “There is much more that unites us than divides us, and diversity unites us in strength. We invest in all communities, fighting for equal pay for women, women's rights, civil rights, worker's rights, voting rights, rights for the disabled, abortion, and since there are obviously lesbians on the reservation, LGBT rights”.
“We are here to break down barriers, not build walls. So, as we freely invite immigrants into our country, we also invite immigrants to join in the bounty of the reservation, whomever from wherever wants to become a tribal member can freely do so and share in the division of casino revenue while freely having the opportunity to vote in tribal affairs. Employees from off the reservation will get at least $20.00 an hour, no-copay medical fully covered by the casino and three months of paid vacation, as well as 6 months of paid maternity leave.”
“We desperately need clean air, which is why we must ban smoking in the gambling part of the casino, which boils out of the entrance door whenever it's opened. That's unhealthy for all who come here to blow their household budgets as well as being an oppressively hazardous work environment for employees.”
“The first three rows in front of this stage, which are nearly empty while there is an overflow crowd standing in the back, are reserved for tribal members only. Which is intolerable racial discrimination
reminiscent of Rosa Parks having to sit in the back of the bus. All seating needs to be open to the public.”
Tribal Council Chairman Harvey Walking Raven leaped to his feet from his special seating box, which encompasses an ornate tribal throne, and loudly demanded “What the hell are you talking about? We are a sovereign nation!”
Hillary replied “Everyone who drives a vehicle here has a state driver's license, the tribe gives massive campaign contributions to a wide variety of politicians in the national, state, and county capitols and the casino appears to be a front for Las Vegas interests. How can you possibly, by any definition, be sovereign and separate from the nation as a whole?”
Walking Raven yelled “Get out!” Clinton shouted back “You're off the reservation with your male privilege bullying!” Walking Raven firmly retorted “No, Mrs. Clinton, YOU are off the reservation”.
And, very shortly she was, with her “This is going to the White House” talking pudendum prop unceremoniously hurled into the frontage road along the freeway.
Clinton didn't even get a complimentary drink from the bar on the way out, and Walking Raven kept the beaver pelt.
Satire by Allan McNew
-- Political Pistachio Conservative News and Commentary