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Friday, June 03, 2016


Satire by Allan McNew

By Independent Correspondent Marvin J. Finklewitz Jr.

Special to the Pistachio

President Obama had finished up lecturing at an activist seminar in Las Vegas about an hour before when one of the attendees stumbled onto him at the hotel bar slamming rot gut whiskey and chasing it with cheap beer. The young man introduced himself as Milhous Kratzer, ordered a micro brewery IPA and struck up a conversation with Obama.

Milhous said to the President, “I was impressed by the speech you gave and the question and answer session was very inspiring, but I didn't quite get your winning political strategy.” Obama talked with the kid for a while, and became very impressed with him. Obama said, “I can't really tell you but I can show you. Meet me here at nine tomorrow morning.” Milhous replied, “I'll see you here tomorrow, but I have a quick question. Why are you drinking that nasty brand of whiskey instead of the good stuff? I don't see how you drink that.” Obama replied “I got a bad taste in my mouth, that nasty whiskey is the only thing that

The next morning the President took the kid over to an attraction called Gorilla! Gorilla! at the Maximus-Maximus casino, hailed down a security employee who guided them through the entrance without having to pay. Everyone else crowded towards the front where there was a row of bars dividing the room while the President took the kid to a back corner and
said “No matter what happens, stay right here.” 

Presently a heavily reinforced door swung open and a large gorilla rampaged into the cage, throwing Samsonite luggage around while creating a wild commotion in the cage. The gorilla soon fixed his attention on the crowd and began shaking the cage bars. The crowd gasped and stepped back. The gorilla tore some of the bars loose and threw them aside, then lunged out of the cage. The crowd ran for the door like how Japanese extras fled Godzilla on snowy black and white TVs in the 1960's.  The kid started to run too, but Obama held him back. Having chased the crowd out of the room, the gorilla then charged Obama and the kid. Obama stood
his ground, holding out a $5.00 bill. The gorilla stopped, stood erect, took the bill and pulled the head off the gorilla costume and said “Thanks, mate”, then walked back into the cage, put the bars back up and left the room, closing the fortified door behind him. 

Milhous yelled “What the hell does that have to do with anything?” “Obama said “That's what you do when you're an activist, but you don't wear a costume and instead of roaring, you yell about racism, income inequality, sexism, the one percent, social injustice, police brutality,
climate change, any emotional cause you can run down the tracks. You make enough noise, you win. Now, we've got a plane to catch”, which they did.

Obama and the kid spent the next day in a California courthouse watching divorce cases. Later that night at the hotel bar with Obama guzzling cheap whiskey to get the bad taste out of his mouth, Milhous asked “What's the lesson today?”. Obama replied “You saw all those couples and
what they did to each other through their lawyers. Put yourself in the place of one of those attorneys. Maybe the couple could have separated with a minimum of trouble, maybe they could have reconciled, but there's no profit in it for you. So, you work your client up like the other lawyer is going to do with his client, go for it all, the dog, the kids, the car, the house, all the pension, alimony, maintenance, child support and by the time it's done, they have to cash it all in to pay their legal fees, and if you're the baddest bad ass divorce attorney in town, you get it all while the other attorney's licking his wounds, and your
client thinks you did them a favor. In the political world, you work people up against each other like that but your pay is in votes instead of cash.”

Next Morning, they took a red eye flight back to Las Vegas. The driver picked them up at the airport and took them to an abandoned warehouse. Obama told the kid to go have a peek through a small hole in the wall, which Milhous did. Milhous no more than put his eye to the hole than he ran back, jumped into the backseat with the President and yelled “Let's get the hell out of here!” As they traveled down the road Obama asked the kid “What did you see?”. Milhous replied “They had a guy tied in a chair and they were breaking his knees with a ball bat.” Obama said “Those were enforcers persuading that man to not get out of line. When you're an activist, you use blackmail, slander, incite ostracism, you find a way to cut him off from his income. If you wind up the right people but don't say anything that will come back to haunt you, they will vandalize his possessions and terrorize his family while you hang out in the clear.  If you have a position of power you can use that. As President you have the IRS, FBI, ATF, BLM, the Justice Department, OSHA, the EPA and so on”.

Milhous soaked all this in for a while, then asked “What about international relations?” Obama said “I'm glad you asked”, and directed the driver to take them to a certain location.

Later on, the President's driver pulled up in front of the Hair Lip Beaver Ranch, a famous brothel in southern Nevada. Obama and Milhous seated themselves at the bar where they could watch the parade of men come and go. Obama ordered his usual rotgut whiskey, whereupon the
bartender recoiled and said “That's terrible stuff, sure you don't want some of this prime top shelf here?” Obama replied “I got a bad taste in my mouth and that rot gut's the only thing that'll get it out.”

They sat there for a long time with Obama belting down whiskey and chasing it with cheap draft beer while they observed the Madam repeatedly line the women up and generally keep order. After some hours of this, with both of them getting piss faced drunk, Milhous asked
“What's the lesson here?” Obama killed his shot and drained his beer, wiped his lips with the back of his hand and said “This is a negotiated settlement. Both parties are exchanging something they have for something they want and both respect each other after the deal is done. It's the same with international relations.”

Milhous reflected on this for a while, then said “You sent Hillary to Russia with that reset button, Putin took the Ukraine and did everything but moon you on TV. You made that deal with Iran, they flipped you the bird while raking in billions. You extended yourself to Cuba and made American trade and tourist dollars available to them, the Castros trashed you before you got out of their airspace. The Chinese laughed in your face while you were in their country wearing one of their Star Trek outfits and now they are taking over the South China sea while loaning us our own money.”

Obama reflected on his empty shot glass for a moment, then looked away and said “This is how that kind of whoring slightly differs from how it works in this brothel: they got everything they wanted and all I got from it is this bad taste in my mouth.”

-- Political Pistachio Conservative News and Commentary

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