Obituary: Climate Change, Man-Made Global Warming

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By Douglas V. Gibbs

Today, we mourn the passing of an old swindler and gambler by the name of Climate Change.

Climate Change lived a short life, though longer than his brother, The Coming Ice Age. Also known as Man-made Global Warming, Climate Change died from heart failure caused by arteries clogged by lumps of lies, deception, and scaremongering conclusions. Climate Change selfishly devoted his life to lying to children and adults alike, stirring people into a fear induced frenzy, and promising increased energy costs while trying to ban carbon dioxide.

For years the foolishness of bad data, tweaked computer models, and pontificating politicians drove the great deception of Climate Change. Folks worked to change their lives for fear of the cataclysmic actions Climate Change might impose upon them should they not. He frightened them as if he were a lion in the jungle, when in reality Climate Change was about as real as the Tooth Fairy, and about as harmless as a mild breeze.

Reactionary laws and fear-filled conferences were held in Climate Change's honor, filling the halls with desperate politicians fearing the coming heat waves - as it snowed outside. Lawsuits by environmentalists helped to feed Climate Change's mythical power. Climate Change was credited with causing hurricanes, droughts, heavy rains, flooding, tornadoes, the death of a polar bear population that is actually growing, and even an earthquake or two. Children were taught about his lies as if they were fact, and adults were gossiping about his horrid accomplishments, even though all along they were all but rumors and vanishing shadows during the twilight.

Climate Change lived with the hope of robbing the people of the world, while forcing industries into extinction as governments scrambled for doomed green industries. The Industrial Revolution was demonized by Climate Change's followers, and socialism rejoiced when Climate Change arrived because a crisis like Climate Change would be all they needed to change the forms of government into statist systems. Climate Change, with the lies that accompanied his presence, changed society, created a whole new culture of "save the planet" people, and even enticed an entire political movement on the Left to follow him into a great big tent where a giant tub of Kool-aid awaited them for consumption.

Climate Change's life, however, was a great big lie, and when reality began to catch up to him, and his following dwindled, the old swindler stumbled under his declining health, eventually winding up on life-support, where the Democrats hovered while discussing whether or not to pull the plug.

Climategate burst inside Climate Change's internal organs, and the consensus crumbled, with the eventual failing of his blackened heart. His strength wavered, and his resolve became spotty, just before the final moments. Then, when an Icelandic volcano erupted, reminding humanity of the minuscule amount of carbon dioxide we actually spew into the atmosphere, the reality of the lie that man was responsible for making the Earth warm and cool became more of a joke than any kind of reliable science.

The fringe scientists that promoted Climate Change's lie are once again outcasts, and the people walked away as Climate Change closed his eyes for the last time, and finally gave in to the final throes of death.

A few folks who claim to be enlightened swear they can still see Climate Change among them, even after the deceased was placed into his grave. They claim he is alive, though many of Climate Changes followers have lost the will to continue the lie, and Climate Change's remains begin to rot.

Climate Change is survived by his step-brother, The Next Ice Age, who many mistakingly thought was The Coming Ice Age from a few decades ago at first glance. Few of Climate Change's friends attended the funeral because those that once believed in him were too ashamed to show their faces, and his few remaining friends foolishly believe he is still alive and considered his funeral to be premature.

His spirit lives on, however, and some even speculate that an impostor that shares Climate Change's characteristics will arise and take his place in the annals of history.

Al Gore was the sole beneficiary to Climate Change's fortune, but Al had already emptied Climate Change's bank account, so there was nothing left to inherit.

-- Political Pistachio Conservative News and Commentary

EDITORIAL: Climate alarmists on the run: Oxford University students lose faith in warming - Washington Times