Herman Cain Sexually Assaulted Me

By J.J. Jackson

These are indeed dark days for the Herman Cain campaign. How many women has this diabolical fiend harassed, assaulted and even raped during his tenure with the National Restaurant Association? Not to mention during his many other years of life!

Yes, I understand the concerns people have over what has been pretty much non-specific, vague, uncorroborated and third and fourth hand charges. It is hard to conceive that women who believe Herman Cain is a monster would remain silent and allow him to continue to prey on other women for all these years. It is hard to take a woman seriously who claims that Herman Cain felt her up over a decade ago but just in the past few weeks was so eager to see and chat with her good friend that she was witnessed at an event hugging and conversing freely with Mr. Cain and never once mentioned the incident.

Yes, there are doubts. But I am about to put those doubts to rest. Because I have gone to the end all and be all source when it comes to answering questions; my Magic 8-Ball. I asked the question, “Are the accusations that Herman Cain sexually harassed women true?” Shaking the all-knowing seer of infinite knowledge the answer came through clearly. “Yes – definitely!”

SHOCKING! I thought for sure he was innocent.

I probed further. I asked. “Are more women who have been groped by Herman Cain going to be forth coming?” The response was a clear, “It is certain!”

GASP!

At this point, something was grating inside of me. I could not explain it. But there was a question on my mind that needed to be answered. I spoke to the Magic 8-Ball, “Was I ever sexually harassed by Herman Cain?” Without even a shake, the device gave me a chilling answer; “Yes!”

I felt a shiver go down my spine. I did not remember this violation of my person. How could I not though? The Magic 8-Ball must be wrong I thought.

As the days went on, I could not shake the disgusting thought from my mind however. I could not buck the feeling that I had been violated by Mr. Cain. How could I not trust the Magic 8-Ball? So, to confirm what the unquestionable, unimpeachable, unerring authority of the 8-Ball, I set out to enlist the help of the esteemed Madame Bullcrapio, an old world, psychic.

What she told me made my jaw drop.

I know it might be hard for you to believe, but hear me out. After we begun our session, she told me that yes, indeed, my assault at the hands of Mr. Cain was all too real. It was a warm, sunny day. The year was 1723. The place; Charleston, South Carolina. I was at the time, during a previous life, when I was young black woman working the farm under the watchful and cruel eye of my white master. That man was a previous incarnation of none other than the infamous Mr. Herman Cain. Madame Bullcrapio told me so.

He often made advances. I was able to rebuff them until one day when he cornered me in the back of the barn. He put his hand up my dress and proceeded to have his way with me despite my protestations. I cried out for help. But there was none.

Ok, I see you are skeptical. Why haven’t I spoken of this horrific incident before?

It was apparently so traumatic that I blocked out the entire event. Plus it was hundreds of years ago. How could I possibly remember?

You ask where the police report is? Are you joking! Do you think that the authorities in colonial South Carolina would have taken the truthful word of a black woman over her evil, white master? I had no recourse. Do not judge me! How dare you!

But I have found the courage now, nearly three centuries later, to come forward and confront Mr. Cain. I can no longer remain silent! This cad must be brought down for what he did to me in that previous life. Yes, what he did is not provable. There is no evidence other than the word of the Magic 8-Ball and Madame Bullcrapio. Yes, it is a tale that I know you are skeptical of. But it is the truth! Do not deny me justice!

Mr. Cain, I implore you, do not run from your crimes! Admit to them! You may claim to not remember what you did to me all those years ago but Madame Bullcrapio is willing to attest to them all.

Mr. Cain! Come clean! America demands it!

And, as if all this was not bad enough, as if Mr. Cain’s egregious assault on my person was not a sin great enough to warrant his downfall, I have now also uncovered, again with the help of my Magic 8-Ball, that he has also sexually assaulted my dog (“Without a doubt”), the light socket in my living room (“Signs point to yes”) and even my daughter’s pet goldfish (“It is decidedly so”). Still worse, I have learned that this last, unholy union has led to Mr. Cain fathering an abominable merbeast abomination (“As I see it, yes”) which he currently keeps locked up in his basement for his perverse sexual fantasies.

And I should note that Mr. Cain has not been absolved of involvement the sexual molestation scandal at Penn State (“Reply hazy, try again”). Oh, I plan to Magic 8-Ball. I plan to.

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J.J. Jackson is a libertarian conservative author from Pittsburgh, PA who has been writing and promoting individual liberty since 1993 and is President of Land of the Free Studios, Inc. He is the Pittsburgh Conservative Examiner for Examiner.com. He is also the owner of The Right Things - Conservative T-shirts & Gifts The Right Things. His weekly commentary along with exclusives not available anywhere else can be found at Liberty Reborn.