Showdown in the Pacific

Editor's Note: This particular piece is satire, not to be confused with an actual news story.  Enjoy the writer's "snark".

Snark by Allan McNew

Reports are preliminary, but according to our usual reliable sources there were some limited leaks from the Pentagon in addition to some unencrypted emails between CCP heavyweights, which to that point have been unfailingly secure, which describe a face off between President Xi and President Biden which was satisfied in a most unusual manner.

The Chinese emails disappeared from the internet almost immediately, but lasted long enough to be digitally captured by Sino Watch, a furtive group which forwarded the emails to our reliable sources.

Several members of the CCP internal communications team disappeared almost as fast as the emails, which lends credibility to the story.

The Pentagon source has indicated there is more to be forwarded to our reliable sources, which lends credibility to the story.

It allegedly involves something about Biden family members and the CCP not getting its money’s worth.

It almost came to a hot war.

However, President Xi commandeered the situation by getting on the secure Hammer And Sickle video phone with Biden and proposed that each nation send, at an appointed time, two champions each to fight it out on an obscure desert isle in the Pacific Ocean. Whichever side was left standing at the end would win the war and save both countries the mass death and utter destruction of global conflict.

At the appointed date, a solo 65’, unarmed Navy picket boat arrived off the small, unnamed island, dropped anchor and dispatched a small skiff bearing General Millie and transgender Admiral Rachel Levine to shore.

Millie was armed with his white rage manual, Levine flourished a rainbow flag. To further intimidate the Chinese champions they both wore tutus.

No Chinese.

They sent the skiff back for a card table, beach chairs, water and a popup shade shelter.

They were almost ready to call a default victory and leave when a Chinese Zubr class landing craft suddenly beached itself. There was a veritable fleet in the ocean behind it.

The landing craft dropped its ramp. Out came two young, BDU wearing, noncom, XX chromosome women armed with Qbz-191 assault rifles, sidearms and grenades.

Both women laughed heartily. When they recovered one said “you dress for wrong dance.”

-- Political Pistachio Conservative News and Commentary