HILLARY CLINTON: PARSIMONY OF PLETHORA – AND BEYOND

By Allan McNew

White House employee Lakeisha White-Rice was finishing up working late one night in the summer of 1993. As she turned to enter the hallway she saw a man wearing only a wolf man mask and a fur cape walk past the door. Waiting for it, she sat down and listened. Directly, she heard Bill Clinton yelling “Bark like a dog!”, followed by Hillary's voice yapping “Ar! Ar! Ar!Ar! Ar! Ar!Ar! Ar! Ar!Ar! Ar! Ar!”… The commotion went on for a long time, until Lakeisha muttered to herself “God damned Clintons” and left the White House for home with Hillary's barking ringing in hear ears.

Hillary has been involved in politics from an early age, beginning with the local Girl Scout troop – which held their meetings in a mysterious fraternal lodge, which also hosted separate weekly meetings of the Northern Democratic Electioneers and the Jefferson Davis Memorial Brigade. According to independent journalist Marvin J. Finklewitz, Jr., the only difference in all those ostensibly disparate meetings was whether or not white sheets and pointed hats were worn.

As a teenager, Hillary stumped for Democratic Alabama Governor George Wallace in the 1964 Democratic primary, then switched sides for Goldwater against Johnson in the general election.

After Clinton graduated from Riverdale Community College, she interned for the Nixon administration, where she coined the catch phrase “I am not a crook”, which Nixon appropriated as his own. Hillary played a key role in Watergate, where she securely incinerated files and audio tape.
Brought before the House Judiciary Committee, Clinton successfully filibustered House Judiciary Committee special counsel Jerry Zeifman during questioning, saying all she did was dispose of a little waste basket of used Kleenex from the Oval Office. Clinton maintained that it was a Republican plot to save Nixon by torpedoing herself.

Hillary came back to the public eye when some tabloid paparazzi shot film of her accompanying political strategist Lee Atwater on a number of occasions to Little Rock, Arkansas restaurants and theaters before and during the 1988 election campaign. However, those activities ceased about the time Atwater convinced Dukakis to take on Willie Horton as his Vice President, an essential part of the Northern Strategy to win the White House. Reliable sources have said she dumped Atwater because at that time Clinton couldn't stand the prospect of a black man having anything to do with the White House.

During the Clinton administration, Hillary was the back bone of the White House. She rousted Bill from his day job of renting out White House rooms and selling White House furniture, from a little kiosk at the front door of the White House, to sell her brain child NAFTA to Mexican President Carlos Salinas de Gortari. Salinas had known Hillary from being an exchange student at her high school, and said no way was he going to let pinche Hillary rape his country with NAFTA, that he was
going to stand up to America like President Lazaro Cardenas did with the American oil companies during the depression. That is, until Slick Willie seduced Salinas with a substantial foreign aid grant for building hospitals to serve subsistence farming, indigenous inhabitants of the southern Mexican state of Chiapas. The money disappeared as soon as it hit the Mexican government, and Salinas was effusively gracious in his support of NAFTA ever after.

During the transition between the Clinton and Bush administrations, Hillary drove one of the rental box trucks packed with what was left of the White House furniture and office equipment to a large swap meet event in New Jersey.

Hillary Rodham Clinton might have won the 2008 Democratic primary if it weren't for controversy stirred up by allegations that Clinton had unethically sought more campaign contributions from renown film maker Nakoula Basseley Nakoula than is allowed under election law. The film
maker was eventually jailed on unrelated charges.

As Secretary of State during the first Obama administration, Clinton did a sterling job of international diplomacy. Having secured Vladamir Putin's docility with a “reset button” (“easy” button shoplifted from Staples, covered with duct tape and lettered with a magic marker), Clinton went on to engineer a peaceful Libyan transfer of government from evil dictatorship to a benign, sovereign, stable democracy packed with purple stained thumbs, with, as Clinton has repeatedly noted, no loss of American life. On a related note, Clinton has said that due to the excellent facilitation job in the deft transfer of power that Ambassador Stevens and special diplomatic assistants Smith, Doherty and
Woods did in Libya, they are now on a top secret team mission for which they will be incognito until well after the 2016 election.

Domestically, Clinton says that she just cannot fathom the Republican Congressional conspiracy to successfully co-opt the FBI of a Democratic administration to conduct a witch hunt investigation of about 500,000 documents on a personal laptop computer concerning her yoga classes from January 2009 to February 2013 while Secretary of State. Clinton disdains Congressional committee investigation into the matter, insisting “I am not a crook”.

On another note, in an exclusive interview with independent correspondent Marvin J. Finklewitz, Jr., Clinton explained her exclusive wear of pant suits: she simply rebelled against Bill insisting that she wear blue dresses everywhere they went, she always looked the same from one outing to the next.

As the old saying goes, the times they are a-changing. The Clintons solicited Democratic donors for the 1992 Presidential campaign with everyone drinking wine and smoking cigars while naked in the hot tub during negotiations. Bill Clinton recently approached some Silicone Valley, robber baron capitalist Democrats with an invite to the old hot tub for a talk. The reply was a little rough: if they were going to be naked discussing money with anyone in a hot tub, it would be California Democrats Lieutenant Governor Gavin Newsom, President pro tempore of the State Senate Kevin de Leon and Governor Jerry Brown – in that order. If Bernie didn't make the nomination, they MIGHT consider donating to Hillary for quid pro quo, but no stinking way were they going to treat the Clintons to free wine from their own vineyards nor any free high dollar Cuban cigars, much less provide a hot tub for the occasion.

The Freedonia Edge Cliff Super Pac was recently poised to release a powerful pro Hillary 50 state political ad featuring a coiffed, talking pudendum which, approved by Hillary Clinton, confidently declared “THIS IS GOING TO THE WHITE HOUSE!” with HILLARY 2016 emblazoned on the bottom banner, an American flag in the upper left corner and Clinton's smiling picture in the upper right, but a reactionary adviser within the campaign killed it.

Demonstrating her ability to be politically flexible, Hillary has lately been liberally sprinkling her speeches with statements such as “I was born a poor black child”, “I'm an immigrant too”, “The Republican war on women… African Americans... minorities… immigrants... Mexicans… children… the elderly... the poor... poor minority Mexican immigrant African American children who happen to be elderly females...”, “I feel your pain...”, “I'm not a crook...”… … ...

However, at a recent Clinton rally in Shantyton, West Kentucky, Mrs. Fogglesworth, an elderly woman, had smuggled her lie detecting Pomeranian in the door and to the front-center row in her very large hand bag. Clinton barely got into her speech when the dog sounded the alarm: “Ar! Ar! Ar!Ar! Ar! Ar!Ar! Ar! Ar!Ar! Ar! Ar!”…

-- Political Pistachio Conservative News and Commentary

Editor's Note:  Ar! Ar! Ar!Ar! Ar! Ar!Ar! Ar! Ar!Ar! Ar! Ar!