The Death Throes of Global Warming, Here Comes The Ice Age

By Douglas V. Gibbs

As a child in the seventies, I remember being convinced by my teachers that we were headed for the next ice age. Fantasizing about having a snowy Christmas in my native California, I welcomed the coming snowy conditions, not realizing that the fears of Earth plunging into sub-zero temperatures was a hoax created by a bunch of money-hungry environmentalists playing on the fears of a shivering populace. What I learned shortly after that, as I conducted my own research into the matter, is that as much as we might try, the only thing that can warm and cool the planet is that big ball of burning gas in the sky that we normally refer to as the sun.

It didn't take very long before those same hysteria-prone liberals changed their mind, and decided that we weren't headed for a new ice age, but that the planet is warming, and yes, of course, it is all our fault. Therefore, the money-hungry environmentalists were at it again, selling T-shirts, sappy music CDs, and political hysteria equipped with expensive energy policies, promises of an emerging green industry, and a plan to sell and trade carbon credits. Once again it was cool to go green, and become one with Mother Nature, but this time it was to protect us from becoming a desert planet rife with rising seas and expanding misery. Frank Herbert's "Dune" would have nothing on us by the time Global Warming was done with us.

And then it began to get cold.

Oh, wait, these highly intelligent scientists have told us we have another ice age coming, caused by the warming trend, which was no doubt triggered by the cooling trend that preceded it.

Time for the liberals to invest in cold weather clothing lines, and now claim we must buy hybrid cars to save our planet from the frigid chaos we have unleashed with our evil fossil fuel burning vehicles that, if you remember properly, was also causing the planet to warm!

In fact, it doesn't seem that long ago that I remember reading an article about how there were fears, due to global warming, that the children in Britain would no longer know what snow is. "Snow is disappearing from our lives," said the Brits. Britain's culture was changing from scenes of a White Christmas to one of warmer winters, attributed, of course, to that horrible global climate change.

Well, guess what kids? Snow has made a comeback, and it is all your fault. You didn't become environmentalists quick enough, so now after sweating it out with global warming, you must suffer the consequences of your actions with the coldest winter on record!

Wait, wait, wait. If our horrible activities of big industry and carbon spewing automobile driving was warming the planet, and now it's getting dangerously cold, wouldn't it make sense for everyone to now go out and buy gas guzzling SUVs for the sake of the planet? You know, to warm it up so that we don't all freeze to death?

I can see it now. Time Magazine's front page will read, "For the sake of the planet, be environmentally irresponsible. We need all the warming we can get."

Newsweek's cover will read, "We Are All Eskimos Now."

-- Political Pistachio Conservative News and Commentary

Headlines to remember:

2010: Coldest December since records began as temperatures plummet to minus 10C bringing travel chaos across Britain - Daily Mail U.K.

2000: Snowfalls are now just a thing of the past - The Independent