Four years ago, Mitt Romney was transmogrified into a Clark Griswold-esque weirdo for having once put his dog, encapsulated in the mutt's dog house, on the roof of his Wagon Queen Family Truckster on a family vacation thirty years earlier. Was that a brain fart at the time? Sure. Was the dog harmed? No. Did that have the remotest relevance to his fitness and capability and qualifications to serve as President of the United States? Of course not. Did it help build the image of Romney as a "dork" and "uncool" compared to President Awesome and lead to the former's Republic-killing defeat? You betcha.
But not to fear; Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker doesn't even have a dog because he's allergic to them. So he's in the clear on this angle, right?
Nope. According to the New York Times, every POTUS has had, and is supposed to have, at least one dog, and that Walk doesn't and can't and would be depriving the White House press corps of their cruel jollies watching his eyes swell shut and him sneezing his way through pressers and glitching his way out to Marine One all the time makes him a heartless monster (via Newsmax Insider):
Wisconsin governor and likely Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker is allergic to dog dander, to the point where he recently had to cancel an important meeting at the home of a dog owner.
Walker's allergy runs "against the long sweep of United States political history," observed the New York Times. "If the ritual for presidential candidates wooing American voters had a handbook, 'must love dogs' would be somewhere near the front.
The Times then proceeds to go through this particular sub-thread of history in exhaustive detail.
President Warren Harding's Airedale, Laddie Boy, had his own chair at cabinet meetings. Herbert Hoover posed with King Tut, his Belgian Malinois, during the 1928 campaign.
Franklin D. Roosevelt was so devoted to his Scottish terrier Fala that the memorial to FDR in Washington, D.C., depicts him with the dog at his feet.
See? Even gutterslime Republican presidents have at least had a connection to man's best friend. So what's that say about Governor Walker, HUH? HUH? HUH?!
Richard Nixon delivered a career-saving televised speech in 1952 focusing on his daughters' cocker spaniel Checkers.
See? See? Even the devil Nixon had a dog.
Seriously. We saw them last year in X-Men: Days Of Future Past.
Lyndon B. Johnson stunned reporters by lifting his beagles, Him and Her, by their ears.
And if a Republican had ever abused his dogs like that, he'd have been crucified. But at least LBJ had dogs.
Ronald Reagan had three dogs, Victory, Rex, and Lucky. Bill Clinton had Buddy.
In 2009, Senator Edward Kennedy gave President Barack Obama a Portuguese water dog.
Dog ownership by American presidents dates all the way back to George Washington, who bred hunting dogs. Abraham Lincoln's Fido, a mongrel, was killed by a knife-wielding drunk soon after Lincoln's assassination.
The Father Of Our Country had dogs. And Scott Walker doesn't. Hmmmmmm.....
And, sho' 'nuff, all of Governor Walker's rivals are the full-fledged human beings that he's supposedly not:
Among likely 2016 White House candidates, Marco Rubio has a Shih Tzu, Manna. Ted Cruz has a mutt named Snowflake. Rick Perry has a dachshund, a black Lab, a mutt, and a griffon. Ben Carson has a German shepherd, Echo.
Jeb Bush lost his Labrador Marvin to cancer, and Rick Santorum mourns the death of his German shepherd Schatzie.
So they're both potential monsters until they can spare the time to visit the nearest dog pound. But because they had dogs at one time, they're not nearly as despicable as Governor Walker is.
Among Democrats, Hillary Clinton posed for People magazine with her toy poodle, Tally.
Given that (1) I loathe poodles and (2) poodles are the ugliest, stupidest, and meanest, most ill-tempered canines of that particular animal species, doesn't that perfectly figure?
Joe Biden's dog is named Champ.
Sure that isn't "Chump"? And that the dog isn't the ventriloquist?
Former Maryland Govermor Martin O'Malley has a cocker spaniel, Rex, and a mutt named Winston.
And, finally, we come to the Times' punchline:
For presidential candidates, owning a dog "humanizes them," Claire McLean, founder of the Presidential Pet Museum, told the Times. "It shows that they are just like me and you, with the kids and the dog."
So because of a factor he cannot help, Scott Walker is "inhuman," and that disqualifies him from becoming President of the United States. Which fits hand-in-glove with how the media is going to paint the Wisconsin governor anyway.
To that, my friends, I have but one suggestion:
Problem solved.
What's that? Walk had better never go bald, or the Dr. Evil memes will go viral? Piffle; the press'll do that anyway. Besides, just look at that little face again; the Wisconsin governor doesn't need to be "humanized," but the First Kitty would accomplish that like swatting a fly with an Abrams battle tank.
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