Or, "How You Can Tell Which Is The REAL Republican Presidential Frontrunner":
Donald Trump, running neck-and-neck for the GOP presidential front-runner position with Ben Carson, joined the attack on his rival on Sunday, accusing the retired neurosurgeon of "pathological disease" over the disputed stories in his biography.
<Yawn> He was more entertaining on Saturday Night Live last night. And he was not entertaining on Saturday Night Live last night.
"He writes a book where he went after his mother, hit her on the head or wanting to hit her on the head with a hammer, hitting a friend in the face with a padlock, hard in the face," Trump said Sunday on Meet the Press.
So he's slamming Dr. C for going after his mother with a hammer in his youth, which he freely admits and has long since atoned for, the latter for which he gives Dr. C no credit.
Trump sounded doubtful of Carson's story that he attempted to stab a friend at age fourteen, only to be thwarted by a belt buckle.
"If you know belt buckles, they turn and they twist," he said. "I don't think they could have stopped a knife with the force of a strong man."
So he believes that Dr. C went after his mother with a hammer, but he doesn't believe that Dr. C tried to run through a friend with a dagger. But he does believe that Dr. C was a "strong man" as a fourteen-year-old child. Which makes - made? - him a homocidal lying man-child. I think. Can anybody else follow this?
On Friday's O'Reilly Factor, Trump suggested Carson need to "take pills."
"If you have pathological disease, that's a problem," Trump said on Meet the Press. "He wrote it, I didn't write it. He's going to have to explain a lot of things away."
He already has explained them - in his autobiography. He's been talking about them off and on for months. They only seem to matter now that he's become the GOP presidential frontrunner in The Donald's place.
And just in case you hadn't already figured out that the Obamedia is feeding Trump all the ammo they possibly can, he went down the inventory list:
He then ticked off a list of other stories being questioned by the media: a West Point scholarship offered at a dinner with General William Westmoreland and the Egyptian pyramids being built by Joseph to store grain.
Okay, I hadn't heard that last one. I mean, yes, Joseph built - or, rather, had others build, since he was Prime Minister of Egypt - warehouses to store up grain for the famine years to come, and Israel wouldn't exist today if he hadn't. But nothing in Genesis indicates that those warehouses were the Great Pyramids of Gisa. Besides, everybody knows that the Pyramids were built by En Sabah Nur. Who won't be available to corroborate that Carson story until next May 27th.....
Still, I find myself wistfully pining for the days when Hairboy couldn't bring himself to attack Gentle Ben because "he's been so nice to me".
I guess Politico and CNN made better offers.