Four words, my friends: "Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin":
On Wednesday, December 9th, the children at Westview Elementary School are in for a real treat as none other than Fappy The Anti-Masturbation Dolphin will be making an appearance! While here, this wacky dolphin will be educating both students and teachers about the dangers and consequences of masturbation. Fappy will also be collecting signatures from children promising never to self-rape. This is a mandatory school function for all children kindergarten through fifth grade. Praise Fappy!
Fappy? Wouldn't it be more like Wanky? Geez, all they had to tell us in school was it'd make you go blind and be very embarrassing if you had to shake hands with somebody right after you finished doing it. And besides, they've got it, as usual, completely backwards. Masturbation is the safest sex you can have, as long as you don't do it while wearing steel wool gloves or using a rolling pin. As long as you don't get carried away with it, it's a harmless stopgap until you meet your significant other, get married, and start banging for real.
And what comes after this appearance? Fisty, The Anti-Rimming Sewer Rat? Sucky, The Anti-Fellatio Blowfish? Since these maniacs made "Fappy" a mandatory attendance "attraction," I can only surmise that the sky is the limit for this sort of thing. Oh, and "Fappy" has his?/her?/its? own Facebook page. To which I am, frankly, afraid to go, for fear of not having enough years left in my life for all the therapy I would need. To say nothing of trying to figure out why a dolphin - and don't think that taxonomical choice was any accident - would need to be taught not to jerk off when the males of the species aren't anatomically capable of it.
After that open, it seems almost an, er, anti-climax to have to also report that students at Westview Elementary School (in, natch, San Francisco) get suspended for wishing anybody a "merry Christmas":
The ‘war on Christmas’ continues as a simple well-wishing of ‘Merry Christmas’ has led to big trouble for one third-grade San Francisco girl this week.
Samantha Dawson, an eight-year-old student at Westview Elementary School in San Francisco, California, was in the school cafeteria Tuesday eating with friends when she was taken to the principal’s office and given a week-long suspension. Her punishment was consequence for saying ‘Merry Christmas’ to her homeroom teacher earlier that day.
Wait for it, wait for it....
Dawson’s teacher, thirty-seven-year-old Paul Horner who is an outspoken atheist, was offended at the student's display of Christmas spirit and had staff suspend the young girl for the rest of the week.
Well, Paul, I'm offended that you have to impose your godless worldview on everybody else, including abusing an eight-year-old little girl, rather than exercising a modicum of tolerance and taking young Miss Dawson's well-wish in the spirit in which it was intended. Couldn't you have contented yourself with an eyeroll or something?
“I say ‘Merry Christmas’ to everyone,” the young girl told CBS News. “I didn’t think it would cause so much trouble just for saying a couple little words.”
Can you believe that (1) an eight-year-old little girl is being interviewed on network news and (2) about this?
The girl’s mother, Laura Dawson, forty-one, was fuming over the issue.
As well she should be. I'm hoping that she sues that godless piece of crap and the school district for everything she can get out of them.
“You don’t traumatize a child who loves to go to school, who wanted to be early every day to school, you don’t make her cry, just for wishing someone Merry Christmas,” she told reporters, holding back tears. “You just don’t do it.”
Paul Horner obviously does. God (pun most definitely intended) only knows what other Christophobia he's brainwashing into his students.
Reporters spoke with Mr. Horner as he was leaving from school yesterday.
“I warned the children not to bring religion into my classroom,” Horner said. “Maybe Samantha will listen to adults next time.”
She didn't "bring religion into 'your' classroom," Paul. She wished you a "merry Christmas". Don't think of the birth of the Savior you sneeringly and contemptuously reject; think of it as the Norelco Santa or Frosty The Snowman. Or just roll your eyes and shut the hell up rather than traumatize a little kid with your anti-Christian hatred.
And no, Paul, it isn't "your" classroom; it's the community's classroom, and Christians have as much right to be in it, full-fledged and proselytizing-fancy-free, as anybody else.
In other worse, Paul, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
And F you with Fappy's steel-wool-wrapped flipper.