Sardonic observation by Allan McNew
Vertically challenged day, February 21. This holiday is to address the systemic oppression of people of shortness. Everyone over 4’10” in height has to spend the entire day on their knees, including bathroom breaks, so they can experience the diminuative world of little people. Everything at the store will be half price, and the celebrants legally have to wear week old, skid marked underwear on their heads to atone for having elevated nostrils. It’ll be like a smelly Black Friday on knee pads!
Safe space day, which will be observed every day of the year. This is observed by sucking one’s thumb while hiding under the bed in a fetal position over microaggressions such as “My, you look nice today,” which is code for “you look like crap every other day and I’m just being nice because you still look like crap today.”
Transgender lesbian day, February 16. This is to recognize men who dress like women in order to have sex with women, only kinda different. This differs from regular transgender day which celebrates men who dress like women in order to have sex with men, as they habitually did before, only kinda different. Sorta like a sexual charade.
Transgender day, February 18. See Transgender lesbian day.
Take a knee day, every Sunday during all sports seasons – to recognize millionaire, professional athletes who think they’re protesting the flag in solidarity with Rosa Parks while believing Rosa Parks was really protesting mass transit in 1955 instead of racism.
National arsonist day, April 22 – riding tandem with Vladimir Lenin’s birthday. This is a must for people who protest racism by burning down whole city blocks of Black middle class businesses. That’ll show ‘em!
Gray Panther day, Nov. 3rd. This is to remember those grandparents who voted Republican every election until they died. Now they unfailingly vote Democrat.
Communist professor day, scheduled locally according to semester end. This is where far, far left professors publicly burn every last capitalist dollar they have shamelessly extorted by forcing students to buy wildly overpriced books largely composed of rewritten books they previously hacked out while exclusively citing same. Nah, won’t happen: that would be the opposite of hypocrisy.
Trisexual dachshund day. This is to recognize the societal contributions of wiener dogs that hump everything in sight: unwary children, passed out drunks in the park and the cat too, if they could only corner it.
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