Snark by Allan McNew
Alvord Winston was thinking he really needed to go on a vacation when he stumbled on a Wonderland storefront. On a whim, he entered.
Inside John Lennon’s song “Imagine” was playing, incense was burning (which almost covered the smell of weed), and an anorexic woman behind the counter was wearing a “pussy hat” and a Che Guevara t-shirt. There was a stuffed unicorn on one side of the desk, a Joe Biden action figure was on the other. She took another bong hit.
Al bought a day pass ticket to Wonderland. The woman instructed him to go down the hallway past the unisex restroom and make a left. There were no rights, even for the restroom.
Exiting the hallway, Al stepped into the sunshine and the the door slammed shut behind him. There was no way to open it.
To his left was a young woman wearing a mesh covid mask with a curious emblem on the face. It resembled a swastika with hammer heads on the ends of the X spokes inside the curve of a sickle. She handed him a like mask, indicating it was required.
“What good is this thing?” Al incredulously inquired. The woman replied “For nothing at all, but it’s required, just like the experimental gene therapy shot you’re about to get.” “What if I don’t want it?” “It’s required.”
Just then four white clad, masked men grabbed him and forced him into a kneeling position with his chest on his knees while a third injected him through his sleeve into the arm. His wallet was emptied of cash and cards, “It’s the required entry fee. Here’s a ration card if you need something to eat.”
The men left.
Al turned to the woman and got loud. What the hell kind of “Wonderland” is this? The woman looked alarmed and pointed at the flying monkeys hovering over them. Al took the cue and shut up. She said “Your car and driver are just around the corner. Make a left at the end of the wall.”
A sign said “Entering Wonderland. Anything can happen here.”
Al found an electric car with a man in the passenger seat. It was the only car in the whole street. Approaching he asked “Are you my driver?” The man said “Yes, but they pretend to pay me and I pretend to work. If you want to go anywhere you drive and I take a nap whenever I like.”
Al got in the car. The driver introduced himself “I’m Fred. Go anywhere you want, got any questions ask.” Fred got comfortable.
Going down the road, Al saw a strange figure at the crosswalk. It was wearing a mini skirt, high heels, and a t-shirt with“You Bigot!” emblazoned on the front. It further had hairy legs, hairy knuckles, hairy arms and a ZZ Top beard hiding a giant Adam’s apple. It was wearing fluorescent red lipstick and a granny bonnet. There was a significant bulge under the front waist line. It resembled Sasquatch in drag.
Al stopped to let “it” cross the street, but “it” stood stock still. After a while, Al let off the brake to proceed and “it” stepped off the curb and yelled “Hey!!! I’m in the crosswalk!!! Can’t I cross the street???” and spit at the car.
Safely past, Al asked Fred “What was that about?” Fred answered “They know their rights, and you’re lucky a city safety coordinator didn’t see you. They would‘ve roughed you up and sent you to be re-educated.”
Suddenly the car stopped. Fred declared “Out of charge. We’ll have to walk from now on, unless you want to wait for a bus.”
Al recalled that their car was the only one he’d seen all day, and while there were massive crowds around the bus stops, he didn’t recall seeing any buses except for one, and there was a huge brawl over who got on that bus.
They entered a small shop to get a soda. While they were sipping their drinks a couple of men wearing suits and sunglasses burst in, smacked the owner around some, emptied the cash register and left. Al rushed to the window. He saw the men give the money they just absconded to a man wearing a top hat, monocle, an eight hundred dollar suit while smoking a cancer stick through a long stemmed cigarette holder. The man tipped his top hat and stepped into the back seat of a limousine, the only other car Al had seen all day. The suited men stepped into another business.
A suited man, who resembled a well known, anti-rich, corruption fighting, far left for-the-people politician, stepped up to the back window. The man in the limousine handed the politician a wad of cash. Looking both ways, the politician hurriedly stuffed the cash in in his left front pants pocket and walked to the corner where another man who resembled a well known lobbyist was waiting. The lobbyist stuffed cash in the politician’s shirt pocket and walked away. As the lobbyist was leaving, a Capo from a well known crime family handed him a large envelope. As the Capo was walking away, the politician looked inside the envelope. A couple of Benjamins fell out. Picking the stray money up, the politician began to scurry away. However, a couple of woke goons blocked his path and threatened to burn his house down with him and his family in it if he didn’t get on the legislative stick and bring about what they wanted.
Fred explained about the two suits who emptied the cash register. “That was the IRS. They’re redistributing wealth from the rich to the poor.” Al said “This guy they just robbed, they took what little he has.” Fred replied “It’s in the tax code. Farcebook, Goober, Twacker and Amyson are impoverished institutions. It’s called equity. Everyone pays their fair share, it has to be done to finance the social programs. The system works for everyone.”
“What about that politician being paid off by the rich man who got the small businessman’s money?” Fred replied “Doesn’t happen here in Wonderland. That’s what they tell us on the news – it’s solid.”
The IRS agents came out of the other business and handed the monocled man a cash register drawer full of money. The suits headed for another doorway. Another politician approached the car. A lobbyist was walking down the street...
Later they were walking past a school. There were uniformed military personnel hanging out front harassing mothers who appeared to be going to a meeting. Al and Fred stopped to watch. After a while men in suits arrived and proceeded to drag handcuffed people out of the building. “What now?” asked Al. “Those people being arrested are parents who abuse their first amendment rights to peacefully assemble to petition their government, those bigots presume they can dictate to the school system what is taught to their children. The government has declared them to be domestic terrorists and the FBI is arresting them. The soldiers are here because they swore an oath to protect the nation against all enemies foreign and domestic, they’re here to back up the FBI if needed.”
After the FBI left with the prisoners, the soldiers began making out, which confused Al. “It’s part of their training to instill camaraderie. They sleep two to a bunk and change partners every night” explained Fred.
Just then some heavily armed Chinese soldiers appeared. The American soldiers greeted them with such things as “hey, comrade” but the Chinese were having none of it and proceeded to beat the bejeebers out of the Americans. When the beating was over the American soldiers apologized to the Chinese for being so imperialistic and thanked the Chinese for teaching them a valuable lesson. Fred said “They’re making amends for America screwing up the world.”
One of the Chinese noticed Al and Fred watching them. “Time to move” said Fred.
Turning the corner, another left, they saw a whole block of black owned businesses on fire, with mostly young white people breaking things, beating people, and setting everything possible on fire. Fred explained that this was a peaceful protest against police brutality, which is an extension of white supremacy, which originated with black Africans selling other Black Africans to white European, transatlantic slave traders. Slavery, Jim Crow, white only restaurants, you name it – young, white college educated people had to atone for all the white sin, real, imagined and fabricated ever committed against blacks by burning down whole blocks of black owned businesses. In any regard, they are bourgeoisie, they oppress their employees, they cheat the poor, they evade taxes, and they deserve all this, no?
“Wait a minute, Those mothers weren’t damaging anything and waited their turn to speak and were arrested for being terrorists. These jerks are destroying the lives of the very people they profess to champion and it’s like they’re freedom fighters?”
Fred shot Al a strange look. Al dropped it.
Further on there was a hastily painted mural on the side of large building. It depicted the Capitol Building and a strange three headed creature with the heads of the three stooges poking each other in the eye, the slapping of faces and such. At the bottom of the mural were the words “100 nuts and 1 squirrel.”
“What’s this about?” asked Al. Fred replied “Some white supremacists vandalized this building. The 100 nuts refers to 100 Senators and the squirrel is a racist reference to the vice president. The creature signifies the Democrats, Republicans and the independent socialist. The city safety coordinators will eventually catch them. Off to re-education camp.”
After a full day, the two arrived back where they first met. Al said “Thanks for the tour, where’s the exit?” “There is no exit.” “What do you mean no exit?” “You came for the woke experience and you got it. Forever. It’s like that hotel in California. You can can check out any time you like but you can’t ever leave.”
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