Happy New Year's Eve - What's with these resolutions?

I never understood New Year's Resolutions. We break them every year. So what's the point in making them?

Every year for years and years I resolved to quit smoking. The year I quit, I didn't make the resolution.

And some resolutions are downright ridiculous.

*Some folks promise to "give more to charities." How can you give "more" when you don't give in the first place? Besides, do you really have to make a resolution to make that decision? Hmmm, how about, "There's enough extra money in my bank account so I'm giving to a cause that is near and dear to my heart;" or "I'm so broke I'm surprised the charities haven't been giving me gift baskets!"

*I read one on a site I visited recently that stated: "My New Year Resolution is to stop stealing." What? How about getting caught, buddy. That'll make ya stop. Jeez, people have no self-discipline.

*Many people I know choose their resolution to be, "To meet my soulmate." Oh, yeah, that's something to plan. That's why the dang divorce rate is so high. Don't make it like a stupid gameshow, dummies. Do it like the old days. Meet someone nice, court them for YEARS rather than two weeks, don't have sex with them, and then get married because you and the other person didn't drive each other nuts during the courtship. Too old fashioned? It worked better than what is being tried nowadays. Folks, it's called going back to basics.

*One of my favorites is: "To Win the Lottery." I don't even want to justify the idiocy of that one with a comment, but I will. There's nothing wrong with playing the lottery. I play every once in a while. It's downright enjoyable to throw a few bucks into the trash every once in a while. But to think that winning is likely is idiotic. It's fun to play, but realize that those few bucks are essentially throwaway money. You have a better chance being hit by lightning twice while dancing naked in the Mohave Desert.

*"Lose Weight." Stop eating so much.

*"Make more money." Go to work in the first place.

*"Be nicer to people." That's funny. If someone has to make a resolution to convince themselves to be nicer to people, they have bigger problems than just being a jackass.

*"To stop drinking so much." The people who say this one on New Year's Eve are usually the same ones with the most empty bottles of booze lined up next to them on the table in the far corner of the lonliest room at the New Year's Eve Party, with their head facing forehead down into a pool of liquid that has made its way from their mouth to the tabletop. Okay, here's how I did it. I drank, I got drunk, I puked, got sick of it, don't drink so much anymore. Yes, if you set your mind to it, it's that easy. If it isn't that easy, no resolution will solve your problem. Call AA. Oh, and if that doesn't help, my biological father was an alcoholic and it killed him. Still want to drink so much? I hope not.

*"Forget my mistakes and move forward in life." This is good, sounds noble and fair. But think about it, numbskull; if you forget your mistakes, you'll commit them again. How about forgiving yourself of your mistakes, and turning away from the activities that led to those mistakes in the first place? That's right, my friend, you shouldn't be asking for amnesia, you should be asking for a change of heart.

*"To be more loving to my mate." Hey, when you're so drunk your mate looks like they did twenty years ago, don't you wind up kissing them on New Year's Eve anyway?

*"To be more tolerant." Hey, I try to be as fair as the next guy, but I refuse to tolerate prayers to Allah on the plane by people with turbans on their heads, planes flying into buildings, and whack-job dictators bent on my nation's destruction. Otherwise, I think we are all pretty tolerant already. I think the leftwing nuts who can't tolerate "Merry Christmas" being spoken, or a cross on a hill over the freeway needs to be making that resolution, to be honest.

*A friend of mine said to me the other day, "My New Year's Resolution is to be more honest." Well, there goes that one out the window already. Next?

Let's face it, my dear friends, Hell is paved with good intentions. Resolutions, I suppose, mean well, but they usually last as long as Saddam on a short rope. Rather than making a bunch of resolutions we don't plan of keeping, how about we use some common sense this year, be friendly to our neighbors even though the branches of their annoying tree are hanging over the fence and we have to trim them every week, let in a few folks on the roadway even though a dozen more cars will squeeze in behind them, and turn away from our bad habits even though they will haunt us until we give in.

Oh, and let's not forget, whatever we do, let's thank God that we make it through another year, and pray we make it through a few more.

Be careful, folks. Drink responsibly, moderately, and come back next year in one piece to continue reading the commentaries on Political Pistachio, would ya.

I worry about you guys, and I feel honored to call you all my friends.

See you next year!