Wednesday, January 26, 2022

I have a speech! 

Mocking, sardonic satire by Allan McNew

It was early evening at the Harangue-’Em-Hi Social Justice Hall (Some think “Harangue-’Em-Hi” is dialectical Arabic slang for something). Homeland Secretary Alejandro Myorkas was checking government issued identification at the front door and turning away anyone who didn't have id. After him, Congressman Nancy Pelosi was cross checking the enemies list and Senator Chuck Schumer was the last before ushers Congressmen Eric Swalwell and Adam Schiff seated guests in a tight group up front so that on camera the venue would look packed.

Schumer handed out $20 an incoming head for showing up.

Songs like Ohio, For what it’s worth, American woman and Back in the USSR were playing.

On each end of the stage were General Millie and transgender Admiral Rachel Levine. They held rainbow flags and wore French maid outfits with short skirts. Millie’s legs were hairier than a buck goat wearing batwing woolly chaps.

Backstage Biden dropped his pants while Dr Fauchi filled a syringe. Hunter was fiddling with a plastic, ziplock bag while accompanied by a young, attractive, unknown to anyone else present woman.

Onstage, White House spokesman Jen Psaki sat at a far stage right table with Jim Acosta (CNN) and Joy Reid  (MSBNC) like a panel. There was a life size cardboard cutout of Kamala Harris behind and stage right of the podium. To the right of the podium was Attorney General Merrick Garland holding back a barely controlled, snarling, snapping attack dog. To the left was Congressman Jerry Nadler holding a fire hose. Georgia Gubernatorial loser Stacy Abrams was opposite the Harris cutout smacking a nightstick into her left palm. There were giant pictures of Tom Hayden, Jane Fonda on a North Vietnamese anti-aircraft gun, Bill Ayers, Angela Davis, Stokely Carmichael, and others.

The Secret Service were dressed in pant suits with high heels and Panthere de Cartier Sunglasses. They had rainbow patches on their sleeves.

Backstage, Fauci stuck Biden in the left buttock with the syringe, pressed the plunger, then withdrew the syringe and stood way back. Biden half lay for a moment, and the moment was gone: Biden leaped into the air, pulled his pants up and charged for the door as Lola by the Kinks began. Hunter disappeared through a backstage door with the woman and a laptop.

Biden sprinted to the podium with one eye squinted almost shut, the other wider than wide open, stood for a few moments with hands and arms twitching, and then, while Lola walked like a woman and talked like a man, with a fixed stare began shouting at no one in particular:


Joe paused for a moment then continued: !QUIT SENDING TRUMPY BEARS! !IT'S NOT FUNNY!

Fauci burst onstage with a sloshing glass of water, dropped a couple pills in Biden’s mouth and, while holding Biden’s pinched nose in the air, poured some water in Joe’s mouth, then, tossing the glass to the side, tapped him under the jaw three times and stepped back. The broken glass he stepped on cut through his shoe and lacerated his big toe.

Biden blinked several times then shook his head while Fauci limped offstage and a couple of aides cleaned up the glass and blood.

Joe continued. “President Harris couldn’t make it tonight because she’s visiting the border.” The dog began sniffing the podium.

“White supremacists dressing as white terrorist firebombing supremacists are terrorizing by white fire bombing the homes of firebombed white school board members terrorized with firebombs at their firebombed white homes of school white board firebombed members because of white terrorizing Jim Crow 2.0 firebombers of firebombed white homes terror. We will follow them to the hot gates of hell and hot hell is where they will reside because hell is their hellish home where we will hellishly escort them to and it’s hot as hell in hot as hell hell. He looked at Merrick Garland and said, “Isn’t that right, Mobrick?”

The dog peed on Biden’s leg while Garland looked back with an open mouthed, bewildered expression.

Joe turned back to the mic. “Rosa Parks was my mother and Corn Pop was my brother. Corn Pop was clean, bright and articulate.”

“We used to dance in the living room to the Dells, Big Mama Thornton, the Moonglows , Little Richard and we played guitar and drums with Rick James in 1954 jamming on stage with his first band “The Zebras.”

“Us three, me, Mama Rosa, me and Corn Pop and me, we and me would ride in the back of the taxi until Mama wouldn’t take it anymore one day when we were going to a Mills Brothers concert and she snapped and gave that little Pakistani man the what for and told him he had six hours to give her the taxi and get the hot hell out of her life. And, son of a bitch, in 2 minutes he sold out. After Mama Rosa gave the Pakistani the what for it scared him so bad he opened up a liquor store with his one eye Palestinian brother and went broke selling slushies with a slight Indian accent while Mama took over his taxi route and made the big money and offered to send me to college instead of Corn Pop because of white privilege and what for. But I told her to buy a house instead and worked full time and got three doctorates and an associate and a bachelor in three years. Have to have goals.

“FDR used to request Mama Rosa’s cab to take all him around the country. FDR wouldn’t use anyone else. Truman too.”

Biden looked down at his dog side pant leg and said to himself “It wasn’t supposed to rain today.”

Resuming: “Do you want to be on the side of Bull Conner or Louis Farrakhan? David Duke or Al Sharpton? Archie Bunker or Patrice Cullors? Patrice Cullors pulled herself up by the bootstraps by getting a job with the Bureau of Land Management and by working hard and scrimping she was able to save enough to buy a big house in the East Side next door to the Jetsons, ah, Jetbums, er Jeffsons, uh Jitterbugs, you, you know the, the… Jeffersons where the white people live. She moved on up where there is pie, pie in the sky with Lucy in the sky marmalade pie and tangerine trees with kaleidoscope eyes. And Diamonds and Silks. I drove the big rig moving van. I drove it a lot.

There was a ting from one of Joe’s pockets. Pulling out his cell phone he fiddled with it for a while, then addressing the audience said “That was a text from President Harris. She says she can practically throw a rock and hit the Canada Border Services facility on the other side of the border from where she’s at. She says that ‘Awesome Pastries’ in Champlain, New York lives up to its name and to remind you all that she’s at the border.”

Continuing: “Sometimes Senators Robert Byrd, Strom Thurmond and President Lyndon Baines Johnson come by the house to have drinks and talk about the highlights of the 1957 Voting Rights Act. When it gets dark they put up these crosses wrapped in gasoline soaked rags and set them on fire so we can see in the back yard. That’s about when they put on these funny looking white robes and have knot tying contests.”

Looking down, Biden saw a note which had fluttered out of his pocket when he extracted his cell phone. Picking it up and scrutinizing it, he turned to DR. Jill Biden and asked “What does ‘confabulation’ mean?” She said “I’ll tell you later” and tapped his watch. Joe responded by turning to the mic and said, “Get vaccinated and you’ll see better in the dark! I HAVE A SPEECH! IT’S WHO COUNTS THE VOTES!”

“Dancing with a man” by Rodney Carrington blasted over to the speakers and true to custom Biden turned and walked to the back, exiting through a door and closing it behind him.

The door opened again and Joe walked out, revealing a closet with brooms, mops and buckets. Jill took him by the hand to the correct door. Before she could open it a naked Hunter exploded out the same door and ran a lap around the stage in a confused manner and, bumping into Levine, knocked him off the stage and ran over the Harris cutout while the dog bit him on the way by. He found an emergency exit and disappeared.

While the alarm rang, Chuck Schumer gave the exiting crowd $100 a head for staying through the speech as well as a photocopied picture of Abbie Hoffman complete with a forged autograph.

Next day the street outside was littered with printer paper featuring Hoffman's mug.

In the meantime Psaki, Acosta and Reid hung out all night to get the narrative straight.

-- Political Pistachio Conservative News and Commentary

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